Should You Have Kids? - Professional Advice
Should I Have Kids or Not?
Many people find themselves struggling with the question of Should I have kids? as they know it is an important one that needs careful consideration and there are often many thoughts, emotions, motivating reasons, expectations, questions, fears and issues that are affecting the decision-making process and making it difficult to know what to do.
The word 'should' is problematic as it implies a sense of feeling like this is something you are expected or supposed to do rather than something you deeply want. It is important to question why you feel like you should have kids. Is it because: you feel you are supposed to because it is your assumed purpose in life; you are the prime procreating age; most people have kids and therefore you are influenced by herd instinct and social expectations; you are worried you are running out of time in regards to fertility; friends and family are pressuring you to; you are married and that's just what you are expected to do next; you are lonely, depressed, lack a sense of purpose, worth, love or meaning in your life; everyone around you is having kids; people with kids seem happier; people are placing emotional guilt on you by saying you will regret it or you'll be missing out on the best thing in your life if you don't; you are worried people will see you as selfish or have other negative judgments of you if you choose to not have kids. These are just some of the 'shoulds' that people find are often influencing their decision of whether to have kids or not.
The reasons above are not invalid but if they are your main motivating reasons for wanting a child they can be problematic as you are making an important life decision based on what you, or others, feel you should do rather than what you want to do. There are many great reasons to have kids but also many valid reasons not to. If you explore your motivating reasons for wanting kids, or any feelings that you should have a baby, and try and identify which reasons are healthy and valid and which are not so healthy and potentially problematic, you will be in a better position to make the best decision for yourself.
Other areas to explore when considering whether to have kids are: your readiness - physically and mentally; your partner's readiness and your relationship's readiness (if you have a partner); how well you adapt to and cope with change; your work and financial situation; what emotional and practical support you have available; and any emotional aspects that are impacting your decision making process such as fears of being a good enough parent. The Should I Have Kids Quiz or The Should I Have a Baby Quiz is a helpful tool to explore these factors.
If you identify that there are certain issues or challenges involved in you pursuing parenthood, how likely are they to change by themselves or with time? If not, how willing are you to work on them? How could you make changes to improve things in these areas? How long do you think this would realistically take? Are they something you have already thought about and tried to change or resolve but have had difficulty with? Can you seek help or support from friends, family or professionals to make the necessary changes? Which factors are deal-breakers for you that you are not willing to compromise on?
Consider whether this is the best time to have a baby or if there is likely to be a better time when you are more ready or any of the issues identified should no longer be a problem or are at least improved. Ask yourself: How much time can you afford to wait? How long are you willing to wait? There are no right or wrong answers to those questions. It is up to you to decide what time frame you are comfortable with and what levels of compromise you are willing to accept in regards to readiness.
Although there is often not a perfect time to have a baby, if you have been struggling for years with the feeling that it is not the right time for you to have a child, or you are not ready, then it is possible that a) having a child is not really the path you want to take, or b) even though you really want kids something is holding you back such as fear and anxiety. If you are really happy with yourself and how your life currently is, question whether having a baby is what you truly want or rather something that you feel pressured to do or feel you should do. Or perhaps, parenthood is not what you want to pursue right now. Use the following question to prompt your thinking: Do you believe having a child will change your life for the better or worse? More importantly, explore and question why. Give it careful consideration and figure out the best path for you, and if that is having kids, then work out the best timing. Or you may realize that staying childfree is the best future path for you.
If you are talking to other people about this subject be aware of the fact that sometimes family and friends are too close to you and have their own opinions on what they think you should do so it is often beneficial to seek help from a more unbiased and non-judgmental form of support. Other people may not be acting in your best interests but rather in their own. For instance, your parents may, consciously or subconsciously, desperately want grandchildren and therefore be trying to persuade you that you should have kids. Similarly, friends with kids may want you to go through the same stage of life with them at the same time so that they have a pregnancy buddy or for your kids to have play dates together. Again this is serving more of their interests than yours. Other friends who are perhaps career orientated may try and persuade you not to have kids with reasons such as kids aren't worth it or they will ruin your career.
You can listen to what your friends and family have to say but decide for yourself what you want to actually take on board as valid reasons for wanting a baby or staying child free. And your reasons will be different to other peoples. Everyone is unique therefore don't assume you might want kids or want to stay childfree for the same reasons as someone else. Whether you should have kids or not is specific to you and your situation. Don't let others try and tell you or pressure you in to thinking otherwise. Stay strong and own your thoughts and feelings; do not let yourself be made to feel wrong for the way you are thinking or feeling. You don't have to justify yourself and your decision to anybody else. It is your life. So don't live your life the way somebody else wants you to. Other people don't know what is best for you so don't let them convince you that they do. Figuring out what you really want for you and your life and what would be the best choice for you is the key to answering the question: Should I Have a Kids?
Society makes people (women in particular) feel that having children is their main purpose in life and the only way to find true fulfillment, meaning and happiness. However, many women disprove this myth. It is important to realize that you have purpose and value far beyond being a pro-creator or child-rearer. You have the freedom to choose the best path for you, including a childfree life, and you should not feel less of a woman, or human being, because of that choice (even though others might try to make you feel that way).
It is confronting and emotional to face a path that is not the conventional way and not take the one that we are made to feel we should take. However, to be truly happy and fulfilled in life you need to know and follow a life that you want, not what others want for you. Whether parenthood is something you'll consider later when the timing is better, or whether you choose a childfree life, please know that you can find happiness and fulfillment in whichever path you chose. In the meantime, if you are having trouble dealing with any difficult emotions this issue has brought up for you, talk to those close to you, or a counselor, to help you work through them.
In the end, remember this: there is no right or wrong decision, it's about figuring out the best direction for you! And when you do you will be able to go forward with peace and confidence in your decision. Have a look at our 6-Step Guide which is designed to help people figure out the best path for them - parenthood or staying childfree. It will guide you step-by-step through the decision-making process to reach clarity and confidence in choosing your future path.
Jane Johnson
The word 'should' is problematic as it implies a sense of feeling like this is something you are expected or supposed to do rather than something you deeply want. It is important to question why you feel like you should have kids. Is it because: you feel you are supposed to because it is your assumed purpose in life; you are the prime procreating age; most people have kids and therefore you are influenced by herd instinct and social expectations; you are worried you are running out of time in regards to fertility; friends and family are pressuring you to; you are married and that's just what you are expected to do next; you are lonely, depressed, lack a sense of purpose, worth, love or meaning in your life; everyone around you is having kids; people with kids seem happier; people are placing emotional guilt on you by saying you will regret it or you'll be missing out on the best thing in your life if you don't; you are worried people will see you as selfish or have other negative judgments of you if you choose to not have kids. These are just some of the 'shoulds' that people find are often influencing their decision of whether to have kids or not.
The reasons above are not invalid but if they are your main motivating reasons for wanting a child they can be problematic as you are making an important life decision based on what you, or others, feel you should do rather than what you want to do. There are many great reasons to have kids but also many valid reasons not to. If you explore your motivating reasons for wanting kids, or any feelings that you should have a baby, and try and identify which reasons are healthy and valid and which are not so healthy and potentially problematic, you will be in a better position to make the best decision for yourself.
Other areas to explore when considering whether to have kids are: your readiness - physically and mentally; your partner's readiness and your relationship's readiness (if you have a partner); how well you adapt to and cope with change; your work and financial situation; what emotional and practical support you have available; and any emotional aspects that are impacting your decision making process such as fears of being a good enough parent. The Should I Have Kids Quiz or The Should I Have a Baby Quiz is a helpful tool to explore these factors.
If you identify that there are certain issues or challenges involved in you pursuing parenthood, how likely are they to change by themselves or with time? If not, how willing are you to work on them? How could you make changes to improve things in these areas? How long do you think this would realistically take? Are they something you have already thought about and tried to change or resolve but have had difficulty with? Can you seek help or support from friends, family or professionals to make the necessary changes? Which factors are deal-breakers for you that you are not willing to compromise on?
Consider whether this is the best time to have a baby or if there is likely to be a better time when you are more ready or any of the issues identified should no longer be a problem or are at least improved. Ask yourself: How much time can you afford to wait? How long are you willing to wait? There are no right or wrong answers to those questions. It is up to you to decide what time frame you are comfortable with and what levels of compromise you are willing to accept in regards to readiness.
Although there is often not a perfect time to have a baby, if you have been struggling for years with the feeling that it is not the right time for you to have a child, or you are not ready, then it is possible that a) having a child is not really the path you want to take, or b) even though you really want kids something is holding you back such as fear and anxiety. If you are really happy with yourself and how your life currently is, question whether having a baby is what you truly want or rather something that you feel pressured to do or feel you should do. Or perhaps, parenthood is not what you want to pursue right now. Use the following question to prompt your thinking: Do you believe having a child will change your life for the better or worse? More importantly, explore and question why. Give it careful consideration and figure out the best path for you, and if that is having kids, then work out the best timing. Or you may realize that staying childfree is the best future path for you.
If you are talking to other people about this subject be aware of the fact that sometimes family and friends are too close to you and have their own opinions on what they think you should do so it is often beneficial to seek help from a more unbiased and non-judgmental form of support. Other people may not be acting in your best interests but rather in their own. For instance, your parents may, consciously or subconsciously, desperately want grandchildren and therefore be trying to persuade you that you should have kids. Similarly, friends with kids may want you to go through the same stage of life with them at the same time so that they have a pregnancy buddy or for your kids to have play dates together. Again this is serving more of their interests than yours. Other friends who are perhaps career orientated may try and persuade you not to have kids with reasons such as kids aren't worth it or they will ruin your career.
You can listen to what your friends and family have to say but decide for yourself what you want to actually take on board as valid reasons for wanting a baby or staying child free. And your reasons will be different to other peoples. Everyone is unique therefore don't assume you might want kids or want to stay childfree for the same reasons as someone else. Whether you should have kids or not is specific to you and your situation. Don't let others try and tell you or pressure you in to thinking otherwise. Stay strong and own your thoughts and feelings; do not let yourself be made to feel wrong for the way you are thinking or feeling. You don't have to justify yourself and your decision to anybody else. It is your life. So don't live your life the way somebody else wants you to. Other people don't know what is best for you so don't let them convince you that they do. Figuring out what you really want for you and your life and what would be the best choice for you is the key to answering the question: Should I Have a Kids?
Society makes people (women in particular) feel that having children is their main purpose in life and the only way to find true fulfillment, meaning and happiness. However, many women disprove this myth. It is important to realize that you have purpose and value far beyond being a pro-creator or child-rearer. You have the freedom to choose the best path for you, including a childfree life, and you should not feel less of a woman, or human being, because of that choice (even though others might try to make you feel that way).
It is confronting and emotional to face a path that is not the conventional way and not take the one that we are made to feel we should take. However, to be truly happy and fulfilled in life you need to know and follow a life that you want, not what others want for you. Whether parenthood is something you'll consider later when the timing is better, or whether you choose a childfree life, please know that you can find happiness and fulfillment in whichever path you chose. In the meantime, if you are having trouble dealing with any difficult emotions this issue has brought up for you, talk to those close to you, or a counselor, to help you work through them.
In the end, remember this: there is no right or wrong decision, it's about figuring out the best direction for you! And when you do you will be able to go forward with peace and confidence in your decision. Have a look at our 6-Step Guide which is designed to help people figure out the best path for them - parenthood or staying childfree. It will guide you step-by-step through the decision-making process to reach clarity and confidence in choosing your future path.
Jane Johnson