Advice on - Reasons To Have a Baby Versus Reasons Not To Have Kids
There is so much to consider and question when thinking about whether to have kids or not. And it's good to question yourself about this - it's healthy and helpful.
Exploring your motivating reasons is one useful strategy in the decision-making process.
There are many reasons that can motivate people to have a baby and also many valid reasons not to have kids so it is understandable if you are feeling torn between the pros and cons.
Some reasons are healthy and valid, and others are not so healthy and potentially problematic, and therefore it is best if they are not your main motivating reasons for wanting a child.
They can (and often do) have unhealthy elements involved with them, so it is wise to question what your motivating factors are and consider if any of them are problematic, and if they are, to evaluate how heavily they are weighing in on your decision making process.
The reason some of them are problematic is that they are not directly related to what you want or what is best for you - they are external to you.
Other reasons might be considered unhealthy because - even though they are internal or directly related to you - they are negative in some way.
So what are the pros and cons of having kids?
Have a look through the following lists. They include some of the more common reasons people have for wanting a baby or children, and those that top the list of motivating reasons not to have kids and stay childfree.
Read over them and think about which ones you agree with or feel the same about.
Why do you feel that way? Are you happy you feel that way or would you prefer to feel differently? Which ones do you disagree with? Why?
PROS (Reasons that may motivate people to have a child)
CONS (Reasons that may motivate people to not have kids & stay childfree)
Now try making a list of your own. Be honest with yourself and include reasons that you might be a little uncomfortable, unsure or embarrassed about.
This exercise is not about seeing which side is longer because each reason that you list will have varying importance or relevance to you. Try to identify the five most important reasons (for you) on each side of the list.
If you are having trouble identifying which reasons are most important to you it may be because you are not sure what your core values are or what brings meaning to your life.
Figuring out what your main values are is very helpful in knowing what would be the best direction for you as it will aid you in knowing what will bring you the most joy, fulfillment and sense of purpose.
Values can act as a compass for guiding you in the right direction when faced with major life decisions such as this one.
Once you have taken the time to compile all the reasons you can think of and identified your most important ones, then you can start analyzing which motivating reasons are driven by really wanting to have a child, and those that are driven by fears, unrealistic expectations, external or internal pressures and 'shoulds', unresolved childhood issues, or other issues or influences.
The most important step in making and using a pros and cons list is to ask why.
Use your list as a framework for thinking about your decision, not a scoring tool. Question yourself as to why that element is a pro or con for you.
In this situation, your pro-con list is about the process, not the result.
For instance, you might discover motivating reasons or fears at work that you were previously unaware of.
Without knowing and evaluating your motivating reasons it will be less clear as to which is the best decision for you and your life.
This essential exercise is just one of many explored in our Kids or Not Guide which takes you through 6 key steps to find the clarity you are seeking on whether to have kids or not.
Jane Johnson
Exploring your motivating reasons is one useful strategy in the decision-making process.
There are many reasons that can motivate people to have a baby and also many valid reasons not to have kids so it is understandable if you are feeling torn between the pros and cons.
Some reasons are healthy and valid, and others are not so healthy and potentially problematic, and therefore it is best if they are not your main motivating reasons for wanting a child.
They can (and often do) have unhealthy elements involved with them, so it is wise to question what your motivating factors are and consider if any of them are problematic, and if they are, to evaluate how heavily they are weighing in on your decision making process.
The reason some of them are problematic is that they are not directly related to what you want or what is best for you - they are external to you.
Other reasons might be considered unhealthy because - even though they are internal or directly related to you - they are negative in some way.
So what are the pros and cons of having kids?
Have a look through the following lists. They include some of the more common reasons people have for wanting a baby or children, and those that top the list of motivating reasons not to have kids and stay childfree.
Read over them and think about which ones you agree with or feel the same about.
Why do you feel that way? Are you happy you feel that way or would you prefer to feel differently? Which ones do you disagree with? Why?
PROS (Reasons that may motivate people to have a child)
- For a sense of purpose and fulfillment
- For a greater sense of worth
- To feel loved
- To give love
- To experience unconditional love and the parent-child bond
- To be happy
- For greater happiness
- As a product of love between you and your partner
- For personal growth - to learn more about yourself
- It is what I was born to do / to fulfill your biological role
- It's what everybody does / to fulfill your social purpose
- To feel less lonely
- To improve your relationship
- To recreate your own wonderful childhood
- To heal from your own dysfunctional childhood
- Your partner wants a child
- You're bored with your current life
- A second chance at a better family life (a chance to do a better job than your own parents or to make up for not feeling loved by your own parents)
- Your parents/partner/friends want you to start a family
- To carry on the family line & genetics
- To carry on family traditions
- As part of your faith or religion
- To not feel isolated from other people your age
- You love children
- Time is running out with regards to your fertility
- Fear of being alone or lonely when you are old
- To gain the approval of others
- To raise a being in your own image (aka 'a mini me')
- To experience holding your own newborn baby in your arms, setting up a cute nursery, etc aka. 'baby lust'
- To give a child a great upbringing
- You look forward to sharing your knowledge & experience with children
- Being tempted by the fantasy of family life portrayed by the media &movies
- Fear of missing out on what people call 'the most wonderful' and 'most rewarding job in the world' and 'life changing'
- Fear of regretting it later if you don't have a child
- You think you would make a great parent
- You think your partner would make a great parent
- Having someone to look after you when you are old
- To enhance your relationship
- Your friends are all having kids and you feel left out
- You see parents and are envious of their bond with their children
- For the wonder of creating a life
- To pass on your skills and knowledge
- To find or experience a new meaning in life
- Having a positive influence on the next generation
- Having a family is what life is all about
- You are not sure what to do with your life if you don't have a baby
- Not wanting to tell your partner/family/friends that you don't want kids so it seems easier to just have one
- To satisfy your maternal instinct
- Not wanting to seem unnatural or selfish
- Children are fun to be around
CONS (Reasons that may motivate people to not have kids & stay childfree)
- Fear of repeating your parents' undesirable parenting
- To have more financial freedom or to avoid financial strain
- Fear of, or wishing to avoid, the emotional and/or physical elements and effects of pregnancy and parenthood
- To have more time for your partner and/or friends
- To have more time and energy to focus on your career and/or worried about how children will impact your career
- To keep your freedom and independence
- Happy with your current life and lifestyle and don't want it to change
- Not feeling the biological urge or maternal instinct
- It would involve too many sacrifices
- You don't particularly like babies and/or kids
- You don't want to bring children into this world
- It's too much work and stress
- Happy with your relationship the way it is, or, worried how parenthood will change the dynamic of your relationship
- Your partner doesn't want kids, or, you have concerns that your current partner might not make a suitable parent
- You don't think you'll make a good parent
- Worried you won't be able to cope with the demands of parenthood
- Being able to accomplish or experience things in life that would be difficult to do as a parent
- More free time and energy to focus on my own interests, needs, or goals
- I can better serve society/the world by not having children
- Not wanting to go through fertility treatments/high-risk pregnancy
- Fear of having a child that isn't 'perfect' or healthy (eg. physical or mental disabilities)
- Fear of your own painful childhood issues resurfacing
- More time to define and pursue shared interests and passions as a couple
- Wanting to avoid sleep deprivation and exhaustion
- Not wanting to put another person's needs before your own
- Less time for recreation, fitness and hobbies
- Fear of, or not wanting to take on the responsibility of being a parent
- Valuing your peace and quiet, and alone time
- Not wanting to miss out on other great opportunities in life because you might not have the freedom, time or energy
- Traveling would be more/too complicated
- You have some issues or bad habits that make you question whether you should have a child
- Your home is not particularly child-friendly and/or your neighborhood is not particularly child-safe
- Being afraid of parenthood
- There never seems to be a right time to have a baby
Now try making a list of your own. Be honest with yourself and include reasons that you might be a little uncomfortable, unsure or embarrassed about.
This exercise is not about seeing which side is longer because each reason that you list will have varying importance or relevance to you. Try to identify the five most important reasons (for you) on each side of the list.
If you are having trouble identifying which reasons are most important to you it may be because you are not sure what your core values are or what brings meaning to your life.
Figuring out what your main values are is very helpful in knowing what would be the best direction for you as it will aid you in knowing what will bring you the most joy, fulfillment and sense of purpose.
Values can act as a compass for guiding you in the right direction when faced with major life decisions such as this one.
Once you have taken the time to compile all the reasons you can think of and identified your most important ones, then you can start analyzing which motivating reasons are driven by really wanting to have a child, and those that are driven by fears, unrealistic expectations, external or internal pressures and 'shoulds', unresolved childhood issues, or other issues or influences.
The most important step in making and using a pros and cons list is to ask why.
Use your list as a framework for thinking about your decision, not a scoring tool. Question yourself as to why that element is a pro or con for you.
In this situation, your pro-con list is about the process, not the result.
For instance, you might discover motivating reasons or fears at work that you were previously unaware of.
Without knowing and evaluating your motivating reasons it will be less clear as to which is the best decision for you and your life.
This essential exercise is just one of many explored in our Kids or Not Guide which takes you through 6 key steps to find the clarity you are seeking on whether to have kids or not.
Jane Johnson