Advice on - I Want a Baby But My Husband Doesn't, or Vice Versa
Read my article below to get professional advice on this topic.
I want a baby but my husband/partner doesn't, or the opposite: I don't want kids but my husband/partner does, is becoming a more common dilemma and it is an extremely difficult one that can, unfortunately, feel like an ultimatum between your partner and a child.
Do you stay with your partner and live a child-free life or leave to try and pursue parenthood by yourself or potentially with someone else?
If you stay in your current relationship, will you end up resenting your partner for sacrificing what you want for what they wanted? Or would you regret it later if this relationship ends and it was then too late to consider having children?
If you don't want kids but they do - do you have a baby to please your partner?
So many complex questions for which the answers cannot be predicted or easily answered. So how do you decide what to do in this very complicated and emotional situation?
Nobody wants to be in this difficult position, and for anyone that finds themselves in the thick of it, they can become very overwhelmed, anxious and stressed.
Perhaps your partner wasn't sure if they wanted kids when you first got together but now they've decided they definitely don't; maybe they've been unsure about whether they've wanted a child or not for years or decades and your time is now running out in regards to fertility. Maybe they already have kids with a previous partner and do not wish to have any more. Or perhaps the situation is reversed.
There are plenty of different reasons but regardless of the cause, it makes your life difficult trying to figure out what to do.
Do you stay and hope that they will eventually change their minds?
This is a big gamble to take and therefore you will have to decide how long you are willing and able to wait to find out.
Plus, if they are sure they do or don't want kids, they are unlikely to change their minds in the future. And if they are ambivalent, they may change their mind, but you shouldn't rely on it.
Trying to persuade, pressure, argue, or manipulate them is unlikely to change their mind, and on the off chance it does, will probably not create a healthy scenario for the future of your relationship and your child.
What if they say - I don't want to lose you so even though I don't really want a child I'll go ahead with it for you - you have to be prepared that it could go either way later on - they could discover that they enjoy parenthood after all, or it could backfire and it could confirm for them that they truly weren't meant to be or didn't wish to be a parent and end up leaving you and the child. This would obviously have huge consequences for you, as well as the child who may grow up feeling that one of their parents didn't love them enough to stay around.
As it's such a large gamble, try to figure out how much you wish to have a child and therefore how much you are willing to risk the relationship. This will be one of the hardest steps and even though ultimately you'll have to work it out for yourself some support from loved ones and/or a counselor may be helpful.
What about giving an ultimatum?
Some people feel that an ultimatum is their only choice because otherwise they cannot get a definitive answer from their partner about what they want.
If you are willing to give an ultimatum then you have to be pretty sure you want a child more than you want to stay with your partner as there is at least a 50% chance that it could be the end of your relationship.
Don't give an ultimatum hoping or expecting it to persuade your partner to give in otherwise you will likely face the problems I described above in regards to a partner agreeing to 'give it a go' just to avoid losing their partner.
The same applies to sneakily stopping your use of birth control to pretend you accidentally got pregnant. This sort of deception could cause horrible ramifications for your relationship long term. Similarly, don't take permanent action, like having a vasectomy, without discussing it with your partner first.
If you haven't already, try and sit down with your partner and have an open and honest conversation about how you feel about having a baby versus not having kids, and why, and ask them to reveal their honest thoughts and feelings about both to you as well.
Are they sure they never want kids? If not, do they know why they want to wait, and for how long? Your partner may reveal something that you had not previously realized, such as a bad experience in childhood that has put them off having kids, but perhaps (if they are willing) it is an issue that can be explored through your support and perhaps some counseling, if necessary.
Of course, there is no guarantee that even if they manage to resolve their issues that it will change their mind on the baby matter, however, it is always worth the effort of trying to find out. At the very least, your partner will probably benefit long term from resolving their issues and that can only be advantageous for your relationship as well.
Your partner may also not have fully realized (especially if you have not explained to them in detail) how much you want to have children, or stay childfree, and why.
It may be a difficult conversation to start and you may hear things that are hard to understand or accept, but it's important that you both know exactly where each of you stands on the matter and at least try to understand the other person's point of view and feelings.
If your partner is adamant they don't want kids then the following suggestion is unlikely to help, however, if they are just not sure if they want kids or when they might feel ready, rather than an ultimatum, you could negotiate a timeline with them. For instance, you could say: In 2 years time I will need to know how you feel about the parenthood decision one way or the other so that I know exactly where you stand and I can think through what I want to do accordingly. However, if you use this strategy be aware that in the meantime you would need to be strong and patient and not push them for an early answer.
Understandably, a lot of people find it very challenging to consider confronting their partner over this issue, or to consider ending their relationship.
Staying with what you currently have usually feels safer for people as it's more known - you know what to expect, that is, most likely more of the same.
But for the opposite scenario, it's very scary to leave the relationship for many unknowns: Will I meet somebody else in time? Will that relationship be as good? Would I cope as a single parent? Will I be able to get pregnant? What will I be like as a parent and will I enjoy it?
There are many diverse unknowns that can justifiably cause a lot of people anxiety. But, if having a child is something you truly want and you feel is the best future path for you then it could be worth the risk and the sacrifice of your relationship.
On the other hand, if you have a wonderful relationship with your partner that you value highly, maybe it isn't worth the sacrifice for you.
Having children, although it can be a large part of sharing a life with someone, isn't the only part, or necessarily the most important. In the end, only you can decide what is the best choice for you.
To figure out what the best decision is for you, it is important to spend a reasonable amount of time and effort to really explore and identify who you are, what you want for your life, what gives your life meaning and fulfillment and joy, and what your values and priorities are, and then decide on whether a childfree life with your partner, or a different path as a parent, is more aligned with what you have discovered about yourself and therefore is the best direction for you.
It might be a hard journey of self-discovery but it is certainly going to be a rewarding one if you end up choosing the best path for you and avoid negative issues such as regret or resentment. Our Kids or Not Guide is designed to help you with this process - it guides you step-by-step to find your answer. Get the help you need so that you can put an end to your stress and confusion.
Jane Johnson
Do you stay with your partner and live a child-free life or leave to try and pursue parenthood by yourself or potentially with someone else?
If you stay in your current relationship, will you end up resenting your partner for sacrificing what you want for what they wanted? Or would you regret it later if this relationship ends and it was then too late to consider having children?
If you don't want kids but they do - do you have a baby to please your partner?
So many complex questions for which the answers cannot be predicted or easily answered. So how do you decide what to do in this very complicated and emotional situation?
Nobody wants to be in this difficult position, and for anyone that finds themselves in the thick of it, they can become very overwhelmed, anxious and stressed.
Perhaps your partner wasn't sure if they wanted kids when you first got together but now they've decided they definitely don't; maybe they've been unsure about whether they've wanted a child or not for years or decades and your time is now running out in regards to fertility. Maybe they already have kids with a previous partner and do not wish to have any more. Or perhaps the situation is reversed.
There are plenty of different reasons but regardless of the cause, it makes your life difficult trying to figure out what to do.
Do you stay and hope that they will eventually change their minds?
This is a big gamble to take and therefore you will have to decide how long you are willing and able to wait to find out.
Plus, if they are sure they do or don't want kids, they are unlikely to change their minds in the future. And if they are ambivalent, they may change their mind, but you shouldn't rely on it.
Trying to persuade, pressure, argue, or manipulate them is unlikely to change their mind, and on the off chance it does, will probably not create a healthy scenario for the future of your relationship and your child.
What if they say - I don't want to lose you so even though I don't really want a child I'll go ahead with it for you - you have to be prepared that it could go either way later on - they could discover that they enjoy parenthood after all, or it could backfire and it could confirm for them that they truly weren't meant to be or didn't wish to be a parent and end up leaving you and the child. This would obviously have huge consequences for you, as well as the child who may grow up feeling that one of their parents didn't love them enough to stay around.
As it's such a large gamble, try to figure out how much you wish to have a child and therefore how much you are willing to risk the relationship. This will be one of the hardest steps and even though ultimately you'll have to work it out for yourself some support from loved ones and/or a counselor may be helpful.
What about giving an ultimatum?
Some people feel that an ultimatum is their only choice because otherwise they cannot get a definitive answer from their partner about what they want.
If you are willing to give an ultimatum then you have to be pretty sure you want a child more than you want to stay with your partner as there is at least a 50% chance that it could be the end of your relationship.
Don't give an ultimatum hoping or expecting it to persuade your partner to give in otherwise you will likely face the problems I described above in regards to a partner agreeing to 'give it a go' just to avoid losing their partner.
The same applies to sneakily stopping your use of birth control to pretend you accidentally got pregnant. This sort of deception could cause horrible ramifications for your relationship long term. Similarly, don't take permanent action, like having a vasectomy, without discussing it with your partner first.
If you haven't already, try and sit down with your partner and have an open and honest conversation about how you feel about having a baby versus not having kids, and why, and ask them to reveal their honest thoughts and feelings about both to you as well.
Are they sure they never want kids? If not, do they know why they want to wait, and for how long? Your partner may reveal something that you had not previously realized, such as a bad experience in childhood that has put them off having kids, but perhaps (if they are willing) it is an issue that can be explored through your support and perhaps some counseling, if necessary.
Of course, there is no guarantee that even if they manage to resolve their issues that it will change their mind on the baby matter, however, it is always worth the effort of trying to find out. At the very least, your partner will probably benefit long term from resolving their issues and that can only be advantageous for your relationship as well.
Your partner may also not have fully realized (especially if you have not explained to them in detail) how much you want to have children, or stay childfree, and why.
It may be a difficult conversation to start and you may hear things that are hard to understand or accept, but it's important that you both know exactly where each of you stands on the matter and at least try to understand the other person's point of view and feelings.
If your partner is adamant they don't want kids then the following suggestion is unlikely to help, however, if they are just not sure if they want kids or when they might feel ready, rather than an ultimatum, you could negotiate a timeline with them. For instance, you could say: In 2 years time I will need to know how you feel about the parenthood decision one way or the other so that I know exactly where you stand and I can think through what I want to do accordingly. However, if you use this strategy be aware that in the meantime you would need to be strong and patient and not push them for an early answer.
Understandably, a lot of people find it very challenging to consider confronting their partner over this issue, or to consider ending their relationship.
Staying with what you currently have usually feels safer for people as it's more known - you know what to expect, that is, most likely more of the same.
But for the opposite scenario, it's very scary to leave the relationship for many unknowns: Will I meet somebody else in time? Will that relationship be as good? Would I cope as a single parent? Will I be able to get pregnant? What will I be like as a parent and will I enjoy it?
There are many diverse unknowns that can justifiably cause a lot of people anxiety. But, if having a child is something you truly want and you feel is the best future path for you then it could be worth the risk and the sacrifice of your relationship.
On the other hand, if you have a wonderful relationship with your partner that you value highly, maybe it isn't worth the sacrifice for you.
Having children, although it can be a large part of sharing a life with someone, isn't the only part, or necessarily the most important. In the end, only you can decide what is the best choice for you.
To figure out what the best decision is for you, it is important to spend a reasonable amount of time and effort to really explore and identify who you are, what you want for your life, what gives your life meaning and fulfillment and joy, and what your values and priorities are, and then decide on whether a childfree life with your partner, or a different path as a parent, is more aligned with what you have discovered about yourself and therefore is the best direction for you.
It might be a hard journey of self-discovery but it is certainly going to be a rewarding one if you end up choosing the best path for you and avoid negative issues such as regret or resentment. Our Kids or Not Guide is designed to help you with this process - it guides you step-by-step to find your answer. Get the help you need so that you can put an end to your stress and confusion.
Jane Johnson