Advice on - Are People With Kids Happier Or The Childfree?
Are people with kids happier or not?
There are numerous studies that say parents are less happy than their childfree counterparts, and just as many studies that say people with kids are happier.
So what are you to believe? The answer is: that it depends on the individual.
[To find out which path is more likely to bring you greater happiness - keep reading until the end].
Some people end up being happier as parents, others less so. Looking at why this happens will make it easier to understand.
Firstly, it is important to clarify the difference between the childfree and childless. These terms are generally used to refer to two different groups of people, although both do not have children.
The childfree are considered to have no children through choice, that is, they do not wish to have children and have therefore consciously decided not to. In comparison, childless people or couples are those that may wish to have children but for various reasons are unable to.
The statistics in studies involving the happiness levels of parents versus non-parents usually involve people without children in general without distinguishing between the childfree versus the childless.
Hence, it may be reasonable to assume that the people who are childfree by choice are at the happier end of the spectrum because it is likely that the childless feel a level of disappointment at being unable to have children even though they want to.
It also seems that very few childfree by choice end up regretting their decision, whereas, understandably, the childless often live with some regret that they were unable to have children.
In regards to levels of happiness, this article refers to childfree people rather than the childless.
After reading many of the studies on this topic it became clear that there is not one definitive factor that stands out as being the main reason why people are happier one way or the other, that is, choosing a childfree path versus one as a parent.
Rather, there are many elements that can increase or decrease a person's happiness with either choice.
Some people feel happier because having kids has given them one or more of the following: a better perspective on life, personal growth, a bigger sense of purpose and meaning in their life, and more love into their lives.
There are other reasons but these are some of the most common ones for increasing happiness.
Others hope or expect that parenthood will bring them the factors mentioned above but end up surprised and disappointed if it doesn't.
Therefore, the important message appears to be - don't expect it. Don't expect or rely on parenthood to bring you greater happiness.
The only guarantee is that having children will bring big changes in your life. What those specific changes are and whether they will bring you greater happiness or not, for the most part, cannot be predicted so it is not something that should be depended upon.
It is also important to realize that if you are thinking of having kids to try and make yourself happier or find happiness then you are taking a very big gamble. It can be an unhealthy and problematic motivating reason to have a child as you are putting very high expectations, and therefore a lot of pressure, on your child and parenthood to dramatically change your life for the better and bring missing joy into your life.
The reality for many people who seek this is they end up feeling more lost as they do not understand why having a baby has not brought them the level of happiness they were expecting or hoping.
It is common and healthy if one of your many motivating reasons is that you feel having a child will bring additional happiness in to your life but it shouldn't be the main or only reason, and certainly not if it is in the hope of alleviating depression, loneliness, or an unhappy relationship. Having a baby will not magically fix these sorts of issues, in fact they can often make them worse.
Yes, having children changes your life, and for many people, changes who they are, but don't assume it's always for the better.
Every parent experiences many challenges and low points throughout the course of their parenting. Many have moments where they dream of having a childfree life again. Just as the childfree can have moments of wondering what they might be missing out on.
The grass often appears greener from both sides! Psychologically humans are wired to always wonder if we are missing out on something better.
Neither life path is better, they are just very different.
So it is important to figure out which path is best suited to you and what you want for your life.
You will be happy either way as long as you are doing what you truly want to do and not what you feel you should do because of society's or other people's expectations of you.
It is harder to choose the path less chosen, the childfree one, because of the pressure put on us by others and society, but if you give in to it and have children despite knowing deep down that it is not what you really want then your future as a parent may be more challenging than most.
Social beliefs and values are very influential, and often manipulative, in making us believe (blindingly, without questioning) that parenting is what we are all supposed to do, that is the right choice for everyone.
There is a dominant social belief and assumption that children will always bring greater joy and meaning to a person's life, but this is not true.
This is an outdated and pro-natalist view.
In modern society there is so much pressure to be perfect parents and have perfect children that parents are less happy now than they have ever been. Unfortunately, the level of social judgment and criticism parents receive in today's world greatly impacts the level of satisfaction and happiness they get from parenting.
Your brain might be deceiving you with biased perceptions, or in other words, with what you choose to notice.
For instance, if you always see happy parents and families when you are out and about, your sub-conscious may be playing tricks on you and being selective in what it makes you notice or how you perceive it.
There may be just as many unhappy families in the same outing that you didn't notice. Or, you perceived a family to be happy when in fact they were simply putting on a happy front and were actually miserable internally.
This is an extreme example, but the point is to understand that because of our psychological wiring we often see the grass on the other side as more appealing (as 'greener'), therefore, just try to be more aware of that as part of your decision-making process of whether to have children or not.
For those considering the childfree path it can be helpful to look at it in terms of positive opportunities.
Most people focus on what they might be missing out on, usually because that is what society and the people around us often push as a reason, but this reason is embroiled in fear.
However, if you look at it the other way: what opportunities might I have that I would not have if I was a parent, you might discover some interesting and positive motivations for choosing to stay childfree.
Parents often say that one of the hardest parts about having children is that you give up (usually through lack of time and options) many things you enjoy in exchange for one source of joy.
It is interesting to hear some of the reactions to studies that say: Objectively people without kids are happier.
People with children find this hard to believe contesting: "but my kids make me so happy".
One way to look at this is, yes, children are often one great source of happiness, however, due to the time consumed by parenting it leaves few opportunities to experience many other sources of joy, so your net happiness can be less.
Studies show that parents are commonly less happy in their day-to-day lives since having children due to; the daily grind, less energy and sleep, the strain on finances and marriage, the increased level or worry, guilt, frustration and stress...
But that their overall happiness in life is greater, that is, in the 'bigger picture' view of life they feel more satisfied and fulfilled.
In comparison, the childfree may have happier and less stressful day-to-day living but sometimes feel a lack of a deeper level of happiness, although this is not always true, as many childfree people are following their career or life passions and therefore feel a sense of happiness they could not have if they had chosen the path to be parents.
It all depends on the individual and the important part of the process is to identify which choice will suit you the best and hence will be the happier path for you.
It is important to note here, that as with most aspects in life, it is not usually as black and white as being happy or unhappy; with or without kids.
Happiness is always variable and dependent on many factors.
Happiness levels ebb and wane continually throughout our lives so it is unreasonable to assume that having children or not having kids would equate to absolute happiness.
With either choice you will have highs and lows. For instance, parents of very young children or teenagers often go through challenging times and may be less happy during those points in time than the childfree counterparts.
Many childfree people have proven that you can live happy and meaningful lives without children. The key is to have something in your life you are deeply passionate about that gives your life meaning and to also have close meaningful relationships, then there is not a sense that something is missing.
You will feel fulfilled with what you spend your time doing and by those you choose to spend your time with. You will not be looking and hoping for a child to fill a void in your life.
It is also important to discover and define what happiness is to you, what a meaningful life is to you, and what makes you feel fulfilled.
The important message overall is - you can be happy and live a meaningful and fulfilled life either way.
These factors do not, and should not, depend on having children.
It is other factors in life that are more likely to have a greater influence on your level of happiness; parenthood is not the main variable in life for determining happiness.
Look beyond herd instinct and social norms and see that parenthood may not be the means to a fulfilling, happy and meaningful life for you, or it may be, the choice is yours.
If you need help figuring out which path - having children or staying childfree - would be the best choice for you, take a look at our 6-Step Guide which is specifically designed to help you find your answer. This is only a small excerpt from the 215-page comprehensive guide which is filled with professional information, advice, and exercises, all specifically designed to support you step-by-step and lead you to a confident decision.
Jane Johnson
So what are you to believe? The answer is: that it depends on the individual.
[To find out which path is more likely to bring you greater happiness - keep reading until the end].
Some people end up being happier as parents, others less so. Looking at why this happens will make it easier to understand.
Firstly, it is important to clarify the difference between the childfree and childless. These terms are generally used to refer to two different groups of people, although both do not have children.
The childfree are considered to have no children through choice, that is, they do not wish to have children and have therefore consciously decided not to. In comparison, childless people or couples are those that may wish to have children but for various reasons are unable to.
The statistics in studies involving the happiness levels of parents versus non-parents usually involve people without children in general without distinguishing between the childfree versus the childless.
Hence, it may be reasonable to assume that the people who are childfree by choice are at the happier end of the spectrum because it is likely that the childless feel a level of disappointment at being unable to have children even though they want to.
It also seems that very few childfree by choice end up regretting their decision, whereas, understandably, the childless often live with some regret that they were unable to have children.
In regards to levels of happiness, this article refers to childfree people rather than the childless.
After reading many of the studies on this topic it became clear that there is not one definitive factor that stands out as being the main reason why people are happier one way or the other, that is, choosing a childfree path versus one as a parent.
Rather, there are many elements that can increase or decrease a person's happiness with either choice.
Some people feel happier because having kids has given them one or more of the following: a better perspective on life, personal growth, a bigger sense of purpose and meaning in their life, and more love into their lives.
There are other reasons but these are some of the most common ones for increasing happiness.
Others hope or expect that parenthood will bring them the factors mentioned above but end up surprised and disappointed if it doesn't.
Therefore, the important message appears to be - don't expect it. Don't expect or rely on parenthood to bring you greater happiness.
The only guarantee is that having children will bring big changes in your life. What those specific changes are and whether they will bring you greater happiness or not, for the most part, cannot be predicted so it is not something that should be depended upon.
It is also important to realize that if you are thinking of having kids to try and make yourself happier or find happiness then you are taking a very big gamble. It can be an unhealthy and problematic motivating reason to have a child as you are putting very high expectations, and therefore a lot of pressure, on your child and parenthood to dramatically change your life for the better and bring missing joy into your life.
The reality for many people who seek this is they end up feeling more lost as they do not understand why having a baby has not brought them the level of happiness they were expecting or hoping.
It is common and healthy if one of your many motivating reasons is that you feel having a child will bring additional happiness in to your life but it shouldn't be the main or only reason, and certainly not if it is in the hope of alleviating depression, loneliness, or an unhappy relationship. Having a baby will not magically fix these sorts of issues, in fact they can often make them worse.
Yes, having children changes your life, and for many people, changes who they are, but don't assume it's always for the better.
Every parent experiences many challenges and low points throughout the course of their parenting. Many have moments where they dream of having a childfree life again. Just as the childfree can have moments of wondering what they might be missing out on.
The grass often appears greener from both sides! Psychologically humans are wired to always wonder if we are missing out on something better.
Neither life path is better, they are just very different.
So it is important to figure out which path is best suited to you and what you want for your life.
You will be happy either way as long as you are doing what you truly want to do and not what you feel you should do because of society's or other people's expectations of you.
It is harder to choose the path less chosen, the childfree one, because of the pressure put on us by others and society, but if you give in to it and have children despite knowing deep down that it is not what you really want then your future as a parent may be more challenging than most.
Social beliefs and values are very influential, and often manipulative, in making us believe (blindingly, without questioning) that parenting is what we are all supposed to do, that is the right choice for everyone.
There is a dominant social belief and assumption that children will always bring greater joy and meaning to a person's life, but this is not true.
This is an outdated and pro-natalist view.
In modern society there is so much pressure to be perfect parents and have perfect children that parents are less happy now than they have ever been. Unfortunately, the level of social judgment and criticism parents receive in today's world greatly impacts the level of satisfaction and happiness they get from parenting.
Your brain might be deceiving you with biased perceptions, or in other words, with what you choose to notice.
For instance, if you always see happy parents and families when you are out and about, your sub-conscious may be playing tricks on you and being selective in what it makes you notice or how you perceive it.
There may be just as many unhappy families in the same outing that you didn't notice. Or, you perceived a family to be happy when in fact they were simply putting on a happy front and were actually miserable internally.
This is an extreme example, but the point is to understand that because of our psychological wiring we often see the grass on the other side as more appealing (as 'greener'), therefore, just try to be more aware of that as part of your decision-making process of whether to have children or not.
For those considering the childfree path it can be helpful to look at it in terms of positive opportunities.
Most people focus on what they might be missing out on, usually because that is what society and the people around us often push as a reason, but this reason is embroiled in fear.
However, if you look at it the other way: what opportunities might I have that I would not have if I was a parent, you might discover some interesting and positive motivations for choosing to stay childfree.
Parents often say that one of the hardest parts about having children is that you give up (usually through lack of time and options) many things you enjoy in exchange for one source of joy.
It is interesting to hear some of the reactions to studies that say: Objectively people without kids are happier.
People with children find this hard to believe contesting: "but my kids make me so happy".
One way to look at this is, yes, children are often one great source of happiness, however, due to the time consumed by parenting it leaves few opportunities to experience many other sources of joy, so your net happiness can be less.
Studies show that parents are commonly less happy in their day-to-day lives since having children due to; the daily grind, less energy and sleep, the strain on finances and marriage, the increased level or worry, guilt, frustration and stress...
But that their overall happiness in life is greater, that is, in the 'bigger picture' view of life they feel more satisfied and fulfilled.
In comparison, the childfree may have happier and less stressful day-to-day living but sometimes feel a lack of a deeper level of happiness, although this is not always true, as many childfree people are following their career or life passions and therefore feel a sense of happiness they could not have if they had chosen the path to be parents.
It all depends on the individual and the important part of the process is to identify which choice will suit you the best and hence will be the happier path for you.
It is important to note here, that as with most aspects in life, it is not usually as black and white as being happy or unhappy; with or without kids.
Happiness is always variable and dependent on many factors.
Happiness levels ebb and wane continually throughout our lives so it is unreasonable to assume that having children or not having kids would equate to absolute happiness.
With either choice you will have highs and lows. For instance, parents of very young children or teenagers often go through challenging times and may be less happy during those points in time than the childfree counterparts.
Many childfree people have proven that you can live happy and meaningful lives without children. The key is to have something in your life you are deeply passionate about that gives your life meaning and to also have close meaningful relationships, then there is not a sense that something is missing.
You will feel fulfilled with what you spend your time doing and by those you choose to spend your time with. You will not be looking and hoping for a child to fill a void in your life.
It is also important to discover and define what happiness is to you, what a meaningful life is to you, and what makes you feel fulfilled.
The important message overall is - you can be happy and live a meaningful and fulfilled life either way.
These factors do not, and should not, depend on having children.
It is other factors in life that are more likely to have a greater influence on your level of happiness; parenthood is not the main variable in life for determining happiness.
Look beyond herd instinct and social norms and see that parenthood may not be the means to a fulfilling, happy and meaningful life for you, or it may be, the choice is yours.
If you need help figuring out which path - having children or staying childfree - would be the best choice for you, take a look at our 6-Step Guide which is specifically designed to help you find your answer. This is only a small excerpt from the 215-page comprehensive guide which is filled with professional information, advice, and exercises, all specifically designed to support you step-by-step and lead you to a confident decision.
Jane Johnson